Grief hits in different forms; losing a loved one, losing a career, relationship etc.. Any form of loss.
My greatest fear in life since young is losing a loved one. It hasn’t been an easy journey dealing with grief ever since I first experienced it back in 2012 when my teacher/mentor, Zvi Zeitlin passed on. When you’re much younger (teenager), you just see it as a “sad event” and get on with life much faster. The older I get, the more I realized that I have/need to deal with this kind of loss. There is no timeline in healing, there are no right ways in dealing with loss and sometimes it hits you in waves in the slightest and least unexpected moments. Sometimes, you avoid things that remind you of the loss, sometimes you want to relive the memories for fear of forgetting while trying to block it out at the same time. Sometimes you question your emotions overtime and wonder if you’ll ever get better as the pain is too devastating. Sometimes you think you know how to deal with the emotions until something new triggers the pain or fear once again.
Sometimes I want to love people less so that the pain won’t be as intense if I ever have to deal with the loss in future, but at the same time, those who I love and treasure are the reasons I live and love, the motivations and drive behind what I do and I can only love them dearly. Sometimes you don’t want to talk to your friends, even loved ones about it as you think that no one will ever understand.
But.
It will get better. However long it takes. At least it has helped me so far; if you allow any of these thoughts to flow and just be. It’s ok to avoid things. It’s ok to block certain things out. But it will also be better if you allow others into your deepest fears and inner world sometimes. I’m used to listening to others. I’m used to trying to keep it all inside my heart and head and not talk to even my closest friends about it, thinking that “Everyone has shit to deal with, I better not bother them with mine and add on to their burden.”
But I’ve learned that it will help to heal if I talk about it. It’s still hard, especially when it’s also hard for others to approach you. “I don’t know what to say. I don’t know the right things to say.” Thoughts that go through my mind when others are going through grief. But just being there, letting them know in every little way that you are thinking of them helps.
Grief has changed my outlook on life, my values and my motivations for the better. Grief is like a life compass that directs a different/new perspective in your life. The people whom you have lost will live through your life in so many ways, as well as sharing that bit of them with others throughout your life. We mourn for their absence but rejoice for their presence in our hearts forever.
Banksy’s artwork “Girl with balloon” has a different purpose and meaning, but it somehow resonated with me in terms of dealing with grief/ life.
Learning to manage these painful emotions will be a lifelong journey. I can never know if I’ll ever be able to “recover” from the loss, I don’t plan on fixing that as I have no answers as well. Some things might never be “fixed”. Letting go does not equate to not caring, it’s allowing yourself the space to accept and grow in a different way.
All I know is that I can only live my life as meaningful as I want to, as much as these lost ones would hope for me to, to share as much as I can, to love as much as I can and as much as those around me right now would hope for as well.
Finding that inner peace is a constant journey. I hope that for everyone going through grief at different stages/moments throughout of your life, that you know that you are not alone and that it’s ok to be not ok.
Much love and hugs. Thank you for reading this as well. <3